“So, you want to be unhappy. You probably think you need to be in pain to be an interesting person and artist. And you’re right. People who “care about you” will tell you that you don’t need to suffer to be important, but just remember, musicians are always most popular the day after they die. So—are you ready to MATTER to someone?
Step 1: Hate yourself. You are, presumably, a human being between the ages of alive and dead, so chances are you’re already there. Congratulations!
Step 2: Fall in love. People will tell you that this takes years, but I have a secret method that will allow you to fall for anyone in under a week. The trick is, you must be completely unable to tell the difference between “love” and “co-dependence”.
Step 3: Fall in love…with someone else, at the same time. People will tell you that this is impossible, given the love already inside you, but they don’t know YOU: YOUR heart is limitless, YOUR heart is a well that goes all the way down, YOU can fit everyone in there. But remember to lie about it! Love can’t exist with knowledge of other love.
Step 4: At this point you may be debating your decision to totally fuck up your life. So ask yourself, would you rather be happy or interesting? Would you rather be on the news, or just watching it? Happy people don’t make history. Happy people make children, then die.
Step 5: Self-diagnose a mental disorder that makes you aloof and impossible to contact. When someone accuses you of being a bad person, call them insensitive: Instant moral superiority!
Step 6: All of the elements are in place. Now, start sabotaging your own life. This isn’t crazy; this is research. This is material. This is necessary for your personal growth.
Step 7: You’ve been in love with two people for awhile now, TELL THEM ABOUT EACH OTHER! Whichever one stays is the winner!
Step 8: Call your boss a fascist chipmunk fucker. Tell your friends fun lies about your other friends. Tell your mother she was the reason you tried to kill yourself. It’s just not depression without total isolation.
Step 9: Do something to hurt yourself. It may be a bicycle “accident”. It may be herpes. It may be a razor. Literal or not, make yourself bleed.
Step 10: Create something. Paint your scars on the side of a building. Write a poem and shout it at strangers.
The misery circus is parading into town and you are holding the banner. Miles of people are following you—they are all wearing gray. A rainbow of gray. They are all watching as they kick themselves bloody on their own feet. You have scars and everyone wants to kiss them: This is stigmata pornography. This is inspiration. You are why they are still alive, you are morning in a world of midnights, you are so BRAVE. And they want to be brave just like you. Look at what you have built.
Everything you’ve loved is gone.
Tell yourself: It was worth it.”
"How To Ruin Your Life", spoken word poem by Neil Hilborn (via evphio)